riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
New mindset, who dis?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
LA today:
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.