Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
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Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!