Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
You Might Also Like
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.