Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital