When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I need to update my racial profile.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.