What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.