Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
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Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
i’m still crying at this
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.