“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
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Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
My dad.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
October already? What’s next? November????
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.