when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*sewing*
A thread
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol