‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My flabber has been gasted.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
mood
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Tastes like chicken.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline