I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
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I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.