her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
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I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Blew my mind.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body