Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”