barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?