Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
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A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
lost dog
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.