You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
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*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest