canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
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[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe