Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
There is no “we” in pizza
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
there’s probably a fee though