Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
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My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Love is always patient and kind.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.