Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.