And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH