This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
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This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Ape together strong
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.