inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
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Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
how was your vacation
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.