“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Husband of the year 😂
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up