My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
tell em, edith-anne
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I saw nothing
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
God has left this place
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”