Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I can’t stop laughing at this
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?