Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
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Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes