Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
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If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished