You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I wish this was real life…
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Left at a local drug store…
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.