When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
You Might Also Like
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point