‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
😂😂
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.