if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
as is their right
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.