The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
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Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I need to update my racial profile.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.