My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Bootstraps
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?