me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
You Might Also Like
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
#Caturday
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Support your local cemetery
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish