lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
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People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
nothing saves money like being antisocial
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you