You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.