I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
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My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?