Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
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We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
😲 WTF? 😆
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ