Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
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Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Something Saturday.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.