4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
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*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.