why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
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Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
What the hell happened in there??
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.