If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*