My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
a public service announcement
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.