Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty