The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
You Might Also Like
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
The first matador
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)