Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
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I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Effort made
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
RT if you could go either way.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.