[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
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[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*