birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.