[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.